It's been hard. Everyone around me seems so bright and happy so why can't I? What's wrong with me? No matter how much I smile or how friendly I am, it still hurts. I'm such a fake.
Suddenly, you get a message on your [[phone. -> Phone]] Luka: hello!
Me: hi! it's been a while :))
Luka: it has! how've you been? omg, I've missed you so much??? hello??
Me: haha, it's been great! how's school? wait, isn't it late where you are? go sleep >:((
Luka: it's around 1 am but it's fine LOL school's been okay ;; it's been stressful haha
Me: you can talk to me whenever!!
Luka: same with you >:(( slide into my dms whenever~~ i've missed you
Me: i've missed you a lot too!
Luka: how've you been?
[[i've been fine -> It still hurts]]
[[it's been kind of tough tbh -> Why is everything like this?]]
[[can i rant? -> Lighter]]''I lied, I wasn't fine. How can the pain I've been dealing with be fine? I fake it. I still hated yourself. Even though she cares, I didn't want to be a burden so I hid my emotions. In this virtual world where I can be anything, why be anything but happy?''
Luka: ahhh! that's great :))) you should message the bakery someday! it's been a while since you've been online and the whole squad misses you ;;
Me: i'll hop in when i have the chance ;; i'm sure they forgot about me tbh haha, it's been too long since i've actually messaged them
Luka: don't say thatttt ;; they miss you! we all love you :))
Me: i love you guys too!
Luka: i should get going ;; I have school tmrw ._.
Me: ahh! goodnightt
Luka: gnn >w< love you lots!
''Just like that, I felt [[happy -> The bakery]]. Talking to Luka, my online best friend, made everything feel better. It was nice to escape from reality; from your mind.''Luka: hmm? what's wrong?
''I regret even mentioning it. It's 1 am where she is. I shouldn't be a bother since she has school tomorrow. I should just lie or something. God I hate this.''
Me: it's just been school stress haha nothing too serious :)) i'm sure it'll pass over soon and then i can talk to the bakery again~~
Luka: ahhh i totally get that but if you ever wanna talk, im here ~
Me: haha, i'll take you up on that offer someday ~ but as of rn, you need to sleep >:((
Luka: fine fine
Luka: make sure you drop by the bakery someday LOL everyone's been worried about you
Me: ahh gotcha
[[open the bakery group chat -> The bakery]]
[[turn off the phone -> Whatever]]''Luka's my online best friend, surely she'll understand right? Not to mention I have nothing to lose because she doesn't actually know me.''
Luka: yeah! what's up?
Me: tbh, i was thinking about suicide haha i have a history of emotional abuse and it's been really tough lately
Me: i haven't been online often because who cares if i'm gone. if i keep in touch with you guys, it'll only hurt when i'm gone
Luka: then don't go. __________ everyone at the bakery loves you okay? please don't go
Me: no matter how much i don't want to, it hurts to be alive. honestly, i feel like the more i connect with everyone, the more i'll end up hurting them
Luka: you've haven't hurt me
Me: that's because i only show you guys what i think you guys want to see
Luka: i know but i'm here for you okay? everyone at the bakery is
i know it can be hard sometimes
i know loving yourself is tough but we all love every side of you and you dont have to hide yourself from us anymore
we'd rather you message us, or even just me, about your issues than to have you disappear
''Ahh, I've done it. I made her worry. I can't even suppose myself, how pathetic. I'm the worse, keeping her up to make sure I'm alright. I should've just died''
Me: luka, i'm okay haha it's probably just a phase or stress or something
Luka: maybe? but what if it's not??
Me: i'm sure it'll work itself out haha i'll be strong!
Luka: if you EVER need to rant, i'm here okay?
Me: okayyy, thanks for hearing me out :))
Luka: you better still be okay >:(( it you aren't then i'll fly to you >:((
''Those words made me feel loved. I knew I would never actually meet her but the fact that she was putting so much effort into me made me feel valued for once. Even if she was just saying that, I couldn't help but feel loved''
Me: dwdw, i'm okay :)) you should go sleep, its getting late over there
Me: what-- don't you have school tmrw?
Luka: fine, goodnightt! i love you and appreciate you and you're amazing and loved and you shouldn't think otherwise >:(( there's a reason why you're so important to me so please be okay
Me: haha, i will :)) goodnight!
''I'm [[important -> Help you]] to her? She doesn't even know me. How can she appricate me so much when she doesn't even more know me? Maybe it's just a lie. I don't deserve to feel [[loved. -> The next day]]''''It's been a while since I've opened the bakery group chat. It's was a server full of my online friends. It was a safe place where we could be ourselves, but in my case, my other self. The self I want to be but can never.''
Me: hellooo :))
Meta: it's been a while-- omg
Rin: it's been a LONG while
Aria: __________ WELCOME BACKKKKKK
Sky: __________ i've missed you?? hello?? where were you all this time LOL
Koi: bruhh, you should've said hi every now and then, we were wondering where you've disappeared to
''It was so lively. I felt so desirable and loved. Why can't I feel this love towards my self though?''
Me: LOOL sorry sorry, i'm back though!!
koi: how've you been? it's been like, 6 months--
[[actually, i should get going haha just wanted to pop in :)) -> Day 2]]
[[it's been great! just been busy LOL how're you guys? -> The bakery 2]]
[[there's been something on my mind... -> Confession]]Oddly enough, letting out my emotions to Luka didn't do anything but make me feel like a burden. I should just disappear from that group. I'm not active anyways so it should be fine, I guess. It's not like it matters anyways.
[[Notifications: 1 -> Phone 2]]Double-click this passage to edit it.Aria: :(((
Sky: awww ;;;
Rin: it was nice talking to you again! feel free to drop by whenever :))
Meta: we missed you!! byeee
Rae: i needa go too;; bye guyss TT
Koi: ohh, okay, cya
''it was fun talking to them but I feel like I may expose myself too much if I stay any longer. Even if it's fun talking to them, it's also draining keeping up that happy face. Ughh I fucking hate this''
//the next day//
[[check phone -> Phone 2]]
[[ignore notification -> Whatever]] ''Even if I consider everyone as a close friend of mine, why the hell do I feel like I'm such a burden? Am I bringing them down? Can this even be considered friendship if I'm just a fake? The chatter goes on for a couple hours and I actually find that I'm enjoying myself. Its as if the other me has taken over and the real me disappeared.''
Me: guyyyysss, i should go sleep ;;;
Sky: ahh okay!
Aria: goodnighttt __________ ~
Rae: alrightyy gngn
Koi: drop by some other time again :)) nightt
Rin: __________ i love you! goodnight!!!
[[i'll try to drop in more often >w< -> The bakery 3]]
[[i'm pretty busy so idk if i can drop in as often ;; -> Whatever]] Rin: hmm?
Me: the truth is, i'm sorry for lying to you guys all this time but i'm actually not okay... i fucking hate myself but i couldn't bring myself to tell you guys
i mentally abuse myself and it's gotten so bad that i guess i just wanted to say sorry for lying all this time
i'm sorry for not telling you guys
i'm sorry i suddenly disappeared and if i suddenly disappear again
it's been so hard though
i hate this
i hate me
Sky: omg, you could've come to us ;;
Meta: __________ i'm so proud of you for surviving this long, i know it's tough
Me: that's the thing, i didn't want to survive this long
i wanted to end it so badly
even rn, i'm being a bother aren't i?
fuck, this fucking sucks
i'm sorry, i shouldn't be doing this
if i ever disappear again, i'll just be replaced haha
you don't need this toxicity
Rae: dude, stop telling yourself this
we're all here for you, the bakery's the group YOU set up, we all stayed because we care for you
Koi: you've been through so much and we don't blame you for disappearing
you had your stuff to deal with and we understand
__________ just know we love you okay?
i can't tell you to stop thinking these thoughts because i get it, it's hard
but please depend on us more, we're here for you
Aria: i know it's hard but let us [[help you -> We're here for you]]Turning off my phone is like turning off the virtual me. It feels like hell again. I should just distance myself from them. I shouldn't be bringing them down. A happy group like them can't be bothered by someone like me. It wouldn't make a difference right? They survived all this time without me, so it should be okay... right? They can just replace me, erase me from their lives. They don't know me anyways so it should be fine, right? If they saw the real me, would they hate me? Probably right? I'm scared of revealing a side of me that they've never seen. They only like the other me but I can't be that me. I should just [[ghost them. -> Ending 1]]//the next day//
Luka: ___________!! hello!
just wanted to say i love you and have a great rest of the day!
i know it's hard but everyone at the bakery love and support you so if you ever feel like you're alone, we're here for you!!
Me: omg, have a great day!
ummm, honestly, mentally i'm not too good haha
i'm not too sure how much longer i'll be able to put up with this shit
it's hard, i hate it, i hate me
i'm sorry for dropping this onto you haha
Luka: don't be sorry >:(( i'm here to support you
Me: i'm sorry for if i disappear again
i'm sorry for making you worry about me
you don't have anything to be sorry for
Me: i have everything to be sorry for
Luka: you can only be strong for so long
i'm so proud of you for actually telling me
i know it's scary to tell someone, and i get it, it's been hard but you're amazing for surviving through this until now
Me: it's bothersome to you though, i know it
Luka: let me [[help you -> Support]] then//the next day//
''Yesterday's talk with everyone was so nice. It would be nice if it was always like that. It would be nice if I was always like that.''
Me: i'm not sure what time it is where everyone is but have a great rest of the day guys!!
Aria: you too ~
Sky: have a great day!
''Do these guys actually think I'm happy? Is it working? If I keep this up, it'll be okay right? They seem happy when I'm like this and seeing them this happy makes me happy so it if this keeps going then we all can be happy... right? It'll be worth it right? [[Becoming this persona -> Transition]] doesn't seem like it'll do any harm... right?''''Ever since I told Luka about my mental abuse, she's been messaging me everyday to check if I'm alright. To be honest, it's kind of annoying. Annoying that I need that support. Annoying that I can't deal with on my own. Annoying that I'm a burden to her. Annoying that she has to go through this just for me.''
Luka: hey hey!
feeling any better?
i feel like i say this everyday but any negative thoughts you have, just know they're not true
i know that can be hard to believe but you deserve more than this and it actually hurts me to see you suffer like this
''Ahh, I'm doing it again. I'm causing people pain. I should just die''
Luka: through all your suffering, i'll be there with you every step of the way so please, depend on me a bit more
i know you feel like you're a bad person and you deserve what you're thinking but death isn't the answer
you're going to get through this and i'm here to help
everyone in the bakery is here to help
so please, believe me when i say you're loved
Me: haha, thanks and i'm sorry you have to do this for me
Luka: don't be sorry! this is what friends are for, right? :)) you should drop by the bakery sometime!
everyone misses you a lot
[[open the bakery -> The bakery]]
[[Me: i'll check some other time :)) -> Whatever]]
[[Me: i feel like i should figure myself out more before i go back haha -> Improvement]]I stopped talking to them. I shouldn't be a burden. The real me can't measure up to the other one I've created. The closer I am with them, the more likely I could reveal myself to them. I can't have them hate me. It's so lonely but I guess thats what I deserve. It hurts but that's okay. I can just put an end to all this pain for good.I'm not fully sure if I'm getting better but little by little, I've stopped thinking about all the negative things in my life. The voices in my head were starting to go away. Maybe someday I'll be able to pick myself back up without having to depend on them. Maybe I'll learn to love myself.
For being here for me when no one else was.
Thank you for listening to what I had to say.
Thank you for staying when no one else would.
Thank you for accepting the me that I didn't want to accept.
Thank you for being my friend.''Slowly but surely, I can feel myself slowly not having those depressive thoughts anymore. It was somewhat like a drug; the more I was the other me, the more addictive it was. It was as if I couldn't live without that me and if I went without it, I would be nothing. The voice in my head started to grow stronger; calling me a fake and such. I'm happy right now though. The fact I can make all my friends happy makes me thrilled.''
Luka: hey! are you sure it's okay to be spending so much time at the bakery? you're there for most of the day-- everyday... don't you have school LOL
Me: yup! i'm fine :)) dwdw, i got this
Luka: okayy but if you ever need to take a break from the bakery again, we understand ~ it kinda feels like you're forcing yourself to always be there haha so just wanted to make sure you're okay
[[Me: it's not like that! i love being here!! -> Goodbye me]]
[[Me: actually, can i tell you something? -> Lighter]]
[[Me: i think i'll take another break from the group again -> Again]]It's been roughly 7 months since I started talking in the bakery again. The more I'm in the bakery, the more the voices in my head become quiet. It's like I'm supposed to be this version of me. I'm not harming anyone by doing this. No one needs to know. Even if they did, the old me's gone. The new me has won the battle and there's no going back. What they don't know won't hurt them.All those voices just get stronger the more I'm there. It almost seems impossible to be friends with them. I know they only like the happy me, the fake me. These voices in my head are so loud though. It's making me hate them. I hate this. I hate me. If I stopped talking to them again, would the voices quiet down again? If I killed that fake self, would I no longer hear those voices? Is the bakery the cause of them? Fuck. I hate this. It'll be like how it was before I came back to the bakery. It should be fine right? I can deal with this on my own right? Whatever.
Goodbye my friends.Everyday, the bakery would send words of encouragement to me. Eventually I saw myself depending on them more. I became more open. I told them about my day whether it'd be good or bad. I opened my mind to them and told them what the voices were telling me. The bakery felt like it was my saviour. No one judged me. Everyone just gave their input on what I was thinking and helped me feel better when the voices made me feel worse.
[[Thank you. -> Improvement]]